Can you believe people still go to Beige? B-Bar's long-running Tuesday night gay party, which at one time was second home to bold-faced gay-listers like Calvin, Rupert and even (last October) our own mayor, is still attracting cream of the crop, media muscle-types, and their muscular media-wannabe admirers. Anyway, I popped in there one recent Tuesday night, early, on my way to visit Dan (who lives around the corner), just to see if anything was still happening. Oh sorry, that wasn't Dan, that was one of best friends, Heidi Klum. Yes, Heidi Klum. Remember when I was hanging out with her back in December? Anyway, this is Dan. But back to Beige: I didn't spot any real celebrities (like I said it was early), but I did eavesdrop on some fabulously quippy, queeny conversations. No one can dish like a homo, especially a homo sipping a seriously un-Budget Fabulous, $92 cosmopolitan. What follows is a random sampling of bon mots, genuinely overheard at Beige:
"Want a booty bump?"
"Ummm, no thanks Chester Molester, I've already got too much junk in my trunk."
"So I dropped my new RAZR phone and now the screen is, like, in DOS or something."
"What's DOS?"
"Early Windows."
"I don't do art. I do artists.""If I hear one more white person say 'no you di-int'..."
"I was thinking about doing another share in The Pines this summer, but honestly I'm reconsidering. I'm 42, it's starting to seem a little tragic to be shlepping out there every other weekend, going to Tea Dance. I mean, shouldn't I by now be all grown up and respectable, with a husband and a Jack Russell and a country house to put them in?"
"Can you believe it's 2005 and we're still at Beige?"
"Honey, it's 2005 and we're still alive.""God, I'd f*ck you for a cigarette".
"I think Jonathan Capehart is hot."
"Doesn't 'Condoleezza' have like 5 e's in a row or something?"
"That's what I want to be...Miss Tart-Slut 2005."
"You already are.""So I was on the subway this morning and this really hot guy was sitting across from me, working on his Palm Pilot. So I took mine out and beamed him a note that said 'You're hot. And I'm hot...for YOU.' He beamed me a note back to me that said, 'I'm straight. F*CK OFF AND DIE.'"
"I'm the Samantha Jones of the gay world."
"Uhh...I think you're more the Miranda Hobbes type.""Do you ever feel like you could kill someone and get away with it?"
"GOD, everyone is so old in here. Like I'm going to go out with some 40 year old guy?"
"What IS that?"
"A ginger martini."
"Could you be MORE gay?""I'm having an affair with my boss and he's SUCH a freak."
"What do you mean?"
"He's into 'plushy'. Do you know what that is?"
"Noooooo...?"
"He likes to watch me have s*x with these special stuffed animals that he has. They have holes where their butts are. Like they're meant to be penetrated. Isn't that weird?"
"Yeah, so why are you with him?"
"I'm career-building.""My Feng Shui Consultant just got engaged to my Life Coach."
"Oh just eat it. Who ARE you Nicole Ritchie?"
"Hey, isn't that the Budget Fabulous guy? He's SO HOT in person. Heeey, Mr. Budget Fabulous, we LOVE YOU. Are you going to write about us? You're SOOO HOT. Why isn't Anna Wintour hiring you to be her personal fashion blogger? You'd be SO GOOD at that. They should all be paying you millions for your amazing blogging skills. And for you're incredible attractiveness. And you're SUCH a well-rounded creative artist. You can write, you can design, you can illustrate, you can take photographs, and you're SO well-dressed, AND you're SO incredibly attractive. You should be a big star. And did I mention how ATTRACTIVE you are?"
Welllllllllllll. Blink blink blink blink blink blink blink. What can I say? Gee, Beige was SO MUCH FUN that night.
Beige
Tuesday Nights, 10PM
B Bar
40 East 4th Street (at Bowery)
212-475-2220
