Free Naomi!

Everybody needs to give poor Naomi Campbell a break. She’s had a hard week. Busted for allegedly braining a servant with a Swarovski crystal-encrusted BlackBerry, Naomi has suffered a series of ensuing public humiliations. First of all, they cuffed her. Can you believe that? We fashion people are upset about that the most: she couldn’t wear bracelets! And you just know those cuffs so didn’t match her outfit. Thank god she’s smart. Before being hauled away from her $3.5 million Park Avenue penthouse, practically in leg irons, Naomi had the good sense to throw on a fabulous white fur poncho, under which she hid her bound wrists.

The embarrassment didn’t stop there. The cops wouldn’t let her ride in her own fabulous limo, so she was forced to ride like a common criminal in a cop car. I’m sure she must have been very uncomfortable. Can you imagine, Naomi sitting on Naugahyde upholstery? As if that wasn't bad enough (I hope you’re sitting down) the police wouldn’t even let Naomi’s people fix her bangs before being escorted onto the mean streets of the Upper East Side. These are humiliations which no human being, no matter how strong, should ever be forced to endure.

Listen, I don’t see what the big deal is anyway. If she did beat her servant, it sounds like the woman deserved it. Supposedly Naomi caught her stealing a pair of $200 Chip and Pepper jeans. So please don’t judge poor Naomi. Aside from being incredibly beautiful (which is enough of an accomplishment for a lifetime), Naomi is at the center of some very important social and charitable work. She’s like best friends with that dude in Africa, Nelson Mandela. We fashion people think that’s just so fabulous. We don’t know why, we just think it is. And you cannot deny all she has done to support Hurricane Katrina. Remember last September when I was hanging out with Naomi and Beyonce, she threw a whole fashion show for those Katrina people. She even flew a displaced family to New York so they could enjoy Fashion Week, wear nice clothes and meet people like Diddy and Gwen Stefani before returning to homelessness. We were all stunned, absolutely floored, by Naomi’s generosity. And now, as if she hadn't already done enough, Naomi’s launched a line of affordable fragrances so poor people can smell good too. Is there no end to Naomi’s contributions to society? Well, there will be if she goes to jail for seven years. So please, write your local congressman and ask them to please please please FREE NAOMI! The world needs her. Besides, she (like me) is 35. Where would her modeling career be in seven years, at age 42? We cannot let this happen.

Comments

[Max]

She's worked with Chip & Pepper for a while, this could all be one big publicity stunt?

[The Guardian]

Is this shit for real?

[Citizen Deux]

Okay, perhaps she was trying to one up Cynthia McKinney, who has adopted a hairstyle once owned by Tempest Bledsoe during the heyday of the Cosby Show.

Oh the humanity!

[Lightkeeper]

Are you fucking kidding me with this?

>> "it’s a known fact that the help enjoy being beaten...In lieu of English, violence is the language they understand best."

Yay!!! Lets steal everything from people (mostly poor) who don't speak english. Oh...whoops - we already did that. This kind of oppressive attitude really needs to go.

[Lightkeeper]

Are you fucking kidding me with this?

>> "it’s a known fact that the help enjoy being beaten...In lieu of English, violence is the language they understand best."

Yay!!! Lets steal everything from people (mostly poor) who don't speak english. Oh...whoops - we already did that. This kind of oppressive attitude really needs to go.

[Jon]

Lightkeeper, thank you for your comment. When I wrote this post I assumed the over-the-top tonality of the writing would make it obvious to everyone that tongue was planted firmly in cheek. But humor sometimes is misunderstood, as it appears to have been in this case, so I reworked the lines a bit. The last thing I would want is for someone else to actually believe I advocate violence toward non-English speakers, or anyone for that matter.