Budget Fabulous

Who's Fabulous?

Photo: Jimmy Smith

The Lady Bunny, that's who. I've been accused in the past of being a trannie chaser, and I suppose it's true to a certain extent, but no one rocks my world more than The Lady Bunny. Especially today, after reading her article about TV (television, not TransVestites) in the brand new issue of Paper. This versatile performer, drag artist, DJ, musician, singer, actress, model, writer, and fellow blogger had a few choice things to say about what's on the boob tube lately. Her surprisingly political and refreshingly candid views made me laugh outloud on the train, in that "you go girl" sort of way. Which was exactly what I needed on a gloomy day when everything seemed to be going wrong. Thank you Bunny, for helping me forget subway diversions, writer's block and the unfortunate incarceration of my favorite drug dealer. Oh, just kidding, people, I don't do drugs (except the ones that come in little orange plastic containers and say "Rx" on the label).

Bunny on CNN's Anderson Cooper (who by the way, I think is a sex-god):
"Hoping to build on his Katrina triumph, [CNN] ran and re-ran footage of him in the midst of Hurricane Wilma, with some guy saying, 'The sand is taking a layer of skin off.' Puh-lease...We need news, not an action figure!"

On Suzanne Malveaux:
"[She] is so stunning that I can't concentrate on her reports. Is lip gloss really appropriate for a newscaster? It plainly says, 'Place dick here.' (I oughta know!)"

To Larry King, she suggests (instead of focusing on Erik Menendez and Laci and Natalee):
"Maybe investigate the murderer in the White House?"

On Sex and the City:
"That show's responsible for the clueless wannabes who now troll Avenue C in Manolos." (Amen)

Pick up the March issue of Paper for more priceless Bunny-isms, and lots of other fabulous stuff too.

Hey, by the way, want to know who else is fabulous? And even more importantly, want to find out who, what and where is NOT fabulous? I figured you did. Stay tuned to this blog for something new from the folks at B-Fab. We will aim to satisfy your desire for all things fabulous.

Eavesdropping (at Beige)

Can you believe people still go to Beige? B-Bar's long-running Tuesday night gay party, which at one time was second home to bold-faced gay-listers like Calvin, Rupert and even (last October) our own mayor, is still attracting cream of the crop, media muscle-types, and their muscular media-wannabe admirers. Anyway, I popped in there one recent Tuesday night, early, on my way to visit Dan (who lives around the corner), just to see if anything was still happening. Oh sorry, that wasn't Dan, that was one of best friends, Heidi Klum. Yes, Heidi Klum. Remember when I was hanging out with her back in December? Anyway, this is Dan. But back to Beige: I didn't spot any real celebrities (like I said it was early), but I did eavesdrop on some fabulously quippy, queeny conversations. No one can dish like a homo, especially a homo sipping a seriously un-Budget Fabulous, $92 cosmopolitan. What follows is a random sampling of bon mots, genuinely overheard at Beige:

"Want a booty bump?"
"Ummm, no thanks Chester Molester, I've already got too much junk in my trunk."

"So I dropped my new RAZR phone and now the screen is, like, in DOS or something."
"What's DOS?"
"Early Windows."

"I don't do art. I do artists."

"If I hear one more white person say 'no you di-int'..."

"I was thinking about doing another share in The Pines this summer, but honestly I'm reconsidering. I'm 42, it's starting to seem a little tragic to be shlepping out there every other weekend, going to Tea Dance. I mean, shouldn't I by now be all grown up and respectable, with a husband and a Jack Russell and a country house to put them in?"

"Can you believe it's 2005 and we're still at Beige?"
"Honey, it's 2005 and we're still alive."

"God, I'd f*ck you for a cigarette".

"I think Jonathan Capehart is hot."

"Doesn't 'Condoleezza' have like 5 e's in a row or something?"

"That's what I want to be...Miss Tart-Slut 2005."
"You already are."

"So I was on the subway this morning and this really hot guy was sitting across from me, working on his Palm Pilot. So I took mine out and beamed him a note that said 'You're hot. And I'm hot...for YOU.' He beamed me a note back to me that said, 'I'm straight. F*CK OFF AND DIE.'"

"I'm the Samantha Jones of the gay world."
"Uhh...I think you're more the Miranda Hobbes type."

"Do you ever feel like you could kill someone and get away with it?"

"GOD, everyone is so old in here. Like I'm going to go out with some 40 year old guy?"

"What IS that?"
"A ginger martini."
"Could you be MORE gay?"

"I'm having an affair with my boss and he's SUCH a freak."
"What do you mean?"
"He's into 'plushy'. Do you know what that is?"
"Noooooo...?"
"He likes to watch me have s*x with these special stuffed animals that he has. They have holes where their butts are. Like they're meant to be penetrated. Isn't that weird?"
"Yeah, so why are you with him?"
"I'm career-building."

"My Feng Shui Consultant just got engaged to my Life Coach."

"Oh just eat it. Who ARE you Nicole Ritchie?"

"Hey, isn't that the Budget Fabulous guy? He's SO HOT in person. Heeey, Mr. Budget Fabulous, we LOVE YOU. Are you going to write about us? You're SOOO HOT. Why isn't Anna Wintour hiring you to be her personal fashion blogger? You'd be SO GOOD at that. They should all be paying you millions for your amazing blogging skills. And for you're incredible attractiveness. And you're SUCH a well-rounded creative artist. You can write, you can design, you can illustrate, you can take photographs, and you're SO well-dressed, AND you're SO incredibly attractive. You should be a big star. And did I mention how ATTRACTIVE you are?"

Welllllllllllll. Blink blink blink blink blink blink blink. What can I say? Gee, Beige was SO MUCH FUN that night.

Beige
Tuesday Nights, 10PM
B Bar
40 East 4th Street (at Bowery)
212-475-2220

Small Hot Dishes

In the limitless gastronomic universe of New York City restaurants, 2005 was most definitely the year of the “small plate”. Usually defined as “small hot dishes meant for sharing” the small plate paradigm, when done properly, offers savvy diners a greater range of flavors and textures while providing a fun, intimate dining experience. And if you don’t go too crazy, it can be Budget Fabulous as well; after all small plates cost less than large plates.

After a recent visit to the fabulous new Agatha Ruiz de la Prada store in Soho, Patty and I met up with our friends Isabelle and Julian for an evening of cocktails and small plates at EN Japanese Brasserie. Isabelle and Julian, you’ll recall, are a happy heterosexual couple in Greenwich Village, known for sharing more than just small hot dishes. Isabelle and Julian are swingers. Chandelier-swaying, key-swapping, orgy-going swingers. As Donna Summer might have sung it, “Love to Love You Baby Baby. And You. And You. And You. And YOU!”

“We’ve just returned from Poona, India,” Julian said as we dived head-on into cocktails. “We were at the OSHO® resort. This is the ashram just south of Mumbai that was started by Bhagwan Rajneesh.” For those of you not old enough to remember the 80’s, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh was the infamous spiritual leader of a vast cult of pink-clad devotees. Before being run out of town, convicted of tax evasion and ultimately dying in 1990, Bhagwan developed a style of meditation that involves jumping around and making loud noises in the nude. He preached to thousands the spiritual benefits of free love. His was a religion founded on the guiding principle that sex with multiple partners was one very pleasurable way to achieve nirvana. I asked Julian if he and Isabelle were Bhagwan acolytes.

“Absolutely not, we think it’s rubbish. However, we were in the company of like-minded individuals, kindred spirits as it were. We...”

“We were just there for the sex!” interrupted Isabelle, not in an inside-voice, much to the delight of fellow cocktailers. “It was fabulous! We'd get up in the morning, put on these burgundy-colored robes, drink tea, meditate, go to workshops, then hang out the rest of the afternoon and hook up. I've never gotten laid more in my entire life! You two really should go.”

“I don’t look good in burgundy,” said Patty.

“Neither do I,” Isabelle replied, “but it really didn’t matter. My robe was off most of the time!”

CLICK HERE FOR SOME SWINGING PIX. And no, I'm not doing what it looks like I'm doing.

EN Japanese Brasserie
435 Hudson St - Between Leroy & Morton St
New York, 10014
212-647-9196

Budget Fabulous Tip: Go with the $60 tasting menu. It’s more than enough food and it’s interesting and delicious. You can’t go wrong. Also, try the sake in flights of 3 for $24. You’ll get shitfaced for half the price of a bottle of wine in any New York restaurant.

Agatha Ruiz de la Prada
135 Wooster St
New York

At the forefront of the post-Franco cultural and social revolution in Spain, Agatha Ruiz de la Prada now offers New Yorkers her amazingly affordabe line of Spanish fashions, home furnishings and more. Not to be missed!