At one of my recent Learning Annex lectures, entitled Yes, You Can Be Budget Fabulous Too, I asked the class if they knew what the “Paris Tilton” was. A 50-ish woman in a vintage Pucci-print dress, two sizes too small, was sure it was a type of veined cheese from France. An older gentleman, who looked like he might smell vaguely of piss and witch hazel, called out, “She’s the sexy little gal who used to play Lucy on Dallas.” A totally hot… I mean, a very presentable young man in the front row, wearing one of those "Von Biatch" t-shirts, who made a big point of running his tongue across his teeth every time I glanced in his direction (obviously a reaction to my incredible physical attractiveness) volunteered that Paris Tilton was a drag queen who flawlessly channeled the blond hotel heiress nightly at Lips, a trannie restaurant in the West Village. All good guesses, all were wrong.
The Paris Tilton is a 99.9% foolproof way of posing for photographers to guarantee the most flattering pictures possible. When you are a famous D-List celebrity such as myself, you need to develop a strategy for looking your best in the thousands of nightly red carpet photographs taken of you. The Paris Tilton is The Answer. Derived from studying thousands of photographs of our favorite Poor Little Rich Girl, here is your guide to perfecting the proprietary Budget Fabulous Paris Tilton Pose. It’s quite simple actually. All you need to remember is three simple steps. Prepare. Jut. Tilt. It’s that easy. Take a look.
STEP ONE. Prepare. This is your relaxed face; you’re in “neutral”. At this point do a quick breathing exercise to prepare for the shot. Collect your thoughts, inhaling the good ones and exhaling the bad, visualize your happy place, so that the final photograph reflects inner calm, self-esteem and (if you’re lucky like me) extreme physical beauty.
STEP TWO. Jut. Shift your skull out and down, in the space directly in front of your face. This jutting action completely obscures any excess tissue below the jaw line (the “champagne chin”) from the camera’s unforgiving eye.
STEP THREE. Tilt. Turn your head and body slightly in the opposite direction of your “good side”. This presents the photographer with a more flattering three-quarter view of your face. And since you’ve rotated against your good side, 75% of your best features are showcased, minimizing your flaws, which lie on the 25% of your face that now lives in shadow.
I’m telling you, it’s brilliant, and it works every time. But you don’t have to take my word for it. Try it yourself. Stand in front of your bathroom mirror and practice. It’s hours of fun that costs nothing. And it’s good exercise, think of it as B-Fabilates. Just remember: Prepare, jut, tilt. Even better, if you have a digital camera, take a picture each time you hit step three. When you master the basic steps, I’ll then take you through some more challenging moves, designed for advanced students who need to extend the look to cover specific situations. You’ll learn the Fashion Fish Pout and the ever-popular One Eyebrow Inquisitive. You’ll even find out how to achieve the perfect Patsy Stone 60s Model Look. Follow me, kids, and you’ll be paparazzi-ready in no time.